It's been a week.
Without going into too much detail, I got majorly blindsided and betrayed by someone I let in to my life. Someone I trusted and cared about, someone I thought cared about me, too.
I'm dealing with a lot of cognitive dissonance as I unpack the reality of the situation. The things I thought were true, were not, and I have to find a way to sort through the events of the past months and re-categorize them accordingly.
It's a soul-crushing activity, but I am well supported and surrounded by so many amazing people. I have my own back, always, which also helps me navigate the tough moments with more compassion for myself.
As someone who has always been highly sensitive and extremely empathic, I have (unfortunately) attracted many people over the course of my life who have taken advantage of my kindness and compassion. Empaths are magnets for narcissistic types, and this is far from my first rodeo.
When I separated from my ex-husband, I made a pact with myself to be more discerning with who I let in. My biggest struggle in relationships is that I crave intimacy and connection in a deep way (since I myself am capable of deep connection), but I often rush into this phase without really allowing myself to fully know someone first. I get swept up in the fairytale phase, and my imagination often leads me to seeing people with rose-coloured glasses. I see the best in people, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but my active imagination leads me to create an almost idealized version of the person in question. This is almost always out of my control, and happens automatically. This is exactly why I need to pump the brakes, take a step back, and force myself to slow down before concluding what a person is all about.
The reality is that it really sucks to be taken advantage of, but I am using this as (another) reminder that I am a co-creator of my own experiences, and I only end up deeply rooted in these situations because I allow them in. And I'm not blaming or guilt-tripping myself for what happened, but I did intuitively feel there was something off from the beginning.
I ignored my intuition, which never ends well. I need to remember that my intuition is literally my internal road map for all the things, and if I get the nudge that something is weird or off, it usually is. I know this. I have been through this sooooo many times where I had some sort of hunch that something wasn't adding up, yet proceeded full steam ahead, choosing to give the person the benefit of the doubt, only to later find out I was right all along. I don't always know exactly what 'the thing' is, but that should be less important than knowing it is something. It was definitely something, and it was something ugly and dark and twisted that I did not deserve.
The good news is that the woman I am today can detach from a person like this fairly easily. I can say, OK, these are the facts, they all suck, there is no redemption in this. Sure, I'll forgive, because I choose not to punish myself by being resentful and angry, but I can definitely stand in my power and know that this is so below the type of behaviour I can accept in my personal relationships. Trust, honesty, vulnerability. Those are absolute pre-requisites if you want to build a meaningful connection with someone, and I will never allow another person in who doesn't provide these things.
As the days go on, I am reminded of my own strength and resilience. I am reminded that I have been through worse and overcome. I never give up on myself, and I see life as a series of lessons and experiences that can lead to growth. There is always room to grow, healing is an ongoing experience, and maybe I did need one more dose of this particular lesson to finally get it and level up.
The irony of life, is that sometimes people that hurt us do find ways to heal and show up for us in a different way down the line. Despite having gone though the hardest things ever with my ex-husband, this week, he has shown up for me in ways that he didn't need to. He has been an unlikely source of support and oddly, really good advice haha.
Yesterday, we dropped our son off at a birthday party, and he was going to give me a lift to yoga, but I ended up just sobbing in his car and breaking down. He held my hand and took me for coffee, then shopping, then to a pub to talk. We basically had a date that was not a date, but it was healing in all the right ways. I know that no matter what we've been through, he is a person that will always be there for me if I really need him, and there's a strange comfort in that. We hurt each other a lot over the years, but we are finally at a place where we can come together and coparent in a healthy way, and also be there for each other when needed. It's a strange testament to relationships in general. We get what we give, right? And sometimes people can do better and be better, even if it never changes what happened in the past. Some bonds are cosmic and meant to be with us throughout our lives, some are not. Figuring out who fits where is all part of the beauty and tragedy of life.
I know one thing for sure. I honour every experience -positive or negative- because they are all part of my beautiful, crazy, messy, and perfectly imperfect life. Living in a state of non-resistance to all that is allows me to flow from one stage of life to the other with less friction. My spirit guides are on my side, they are always protecting me from harm and showing me the way. And I know the next stage is gonna be epic and amazing and empowering (and hopefully includes a cute, emotionally aware guy).
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